Audio By Carbonatix
One can only guess at what the new theater season holds. And because speculating about theater, at least in Phoenix, is often more entertaining than actually looking at it, here’s a list of facts and likely figures about where we’re at and what’s to come.
Number of producing theater companies in the Valley: 82
Number of Equity companies: 4
Approximate number of shows this season: 217
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Number of shows worth seeing: 17
Number of breasts potentially exposed in Nearly Naked Theatre’s season: 13
Number of one-woman shows by big-deal Broadway divas: 4
Number of Christ-specific musicals: 4
Number of Christmas shows: 11
Number of gentiles who will appear in the combined casts of these shows: 3
Number of people under 30 expected to attend theater this season: 42
Number of people who will walk out of a show at intermission: 433
Number of people who will walk out of a Tempe Little Theatre show at intermission: nearly all of them
Number of people who will say, “It wasn’t as good as the movie”: 179
Number of morons who will forget to turn off their cell phones: 294
Productions of George Bernard Shaw’s Arms and the Man: 2
Number of people who actually want to see George Bernard Shaw’s Arms and the Man: 7
Number of good reasons to see Scottsdale Center for the Arts’ production of Menopause: The Musical: 0
Number of curtain speeches by Actors Theatre’s Matthew Wiener in which he’ll ask audience members to donate money: 104
Number of people who will actually donate money: 13
Number of heterosexual men working in local theater: 7.5
Number of actors who will thank God in their playbill bios: 582
Number of actors who will thank their cats: 73
Number of amazing performances by Maria Amorocho: all of them
Number of amazing performances by Peter Hill: 0
Number of hours devoted to mean-spirited backstage gossip: 8,760
Number of current Zoni nominations: 731
Number of Zonis that will likely be awarded to Valley Youth Theatre: 727
Number of times Black Theatre Troupe will replace a director or leading lady mere days before opening night: 5
Number of comfortable seats at The Space Theatre: 0
Number of musicals Phoenix Theatre will produce this season: 4
Number of musicals Phoenix Theatre will produce this season that will be made to look exactly like the movie version: 4
Number of mind-bendingly ugly wigs Manuela Needhammer will design: 3,124
Number of leading ladies who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 12
Number of leading men who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 83
Number of chorus boys who will be hired because they are sleeping with the director: 2,742
Number of times “theater critic” Mark Turvin will review a show in which his wife or one of his friends appears: 68
Number of shows the Arizona Republic‘s Kyle Lawson will review: 5
Number of shows he’ll love: 5
Number of theater critics worth reading: 1
