Metal of Honor

Marilyn Monroe cooed, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Audrey Hepburn donned sunglasses, pearls, and the perfect black dress for Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Even Madonna’s “Material Girl” video was swathed in jeweled excess. While American pop culture gives a nod to jewelry as the essence of style and display of…

Riddim and Weep

If you can tell the difference between drum ‘n’ bass, jungle, breakbeats, and backbeats, then you’re probably rocking a picture of Sly & Robbie above your Alesis SR-16. The revered Jamaican duo (a.k.a. “The Riddim Twins”) have provided the bass line and beats for virtually every major reggae artist over…

Beaming with Joy

Every Phoenician knows the one overriding rule for beating the summer heat: Stay out of the damn sun. You can do just that while checking out blooming flora, crepuscular fauna, and other treasures lurking in the gloaming murk during the Summer Flashlight Tour. Thursdays, Saturdays, 7 p.m. Starts: June 2…

East Side Story

Well, well. Mesa’s done it again. No, not closed off a section of the 202 to install luxury asphalt or constructed another tract-development eyesore. The Mesa we are referring to is Mesa Contemporary Arts and the “it” is the fostering of the local art community. An example is the “Contemporaneous…

The Abominable Showman

No matter that comedian Louis C.K. has an Emmy on his mantel or that Comedy Central ranked him as one of the “100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.” Unless he discovers a cure for cancer, Pootie Tang will be his legacy. The Chris Rock pal wrote and directed the 2001…

Big Rotten Apple

If the ladies of the WNBA’s New York Liberty were on The Apprentice, The Donald would nix the lot of ’em. At presstime, the Liberty were still in the hunt for a playoff spot, but sporting a non-sparkling sub-.500 record. They take on our Phoenix Mercury, who haven’t been rattling…

Just Win-Win, Baby

Baseball’s trade deadline came and went 10 days ago without the Arizona Diamondbacks lifting a finger. Was this decision lazy or savvy — i.e., keeping the core intact? For our money, we applaud you, general manager Josh Byrnes, because, to us, it looks like a commitment to win this year…

Return of the Native

Y’all can leave the earth, wind, fire, and water for Captain Planet, cuz the only element you need be concerned with this week is turntable guru DJ Element. The true Arizona native — we’re talkin’ straight off the Salt River Indian Rez — has been blowing minds and eardrums for…

Happy Effin’ Birthday

If ever there was a dood who personifies the libertine lifestyle laid out in the Shop Boyz jam “Party Like a Rock Star,” it’s local DJ/impresario William Fucking Reed. Case in point, Reed celebrates his 30th year of drawing breath with his Dirty 30 Birthday Fucking Party. It promises to…

Reeling in the Years

So you’re in your parents’ garage searching for your beloved high school bong — which you claimed was for a chemistry project — and you come across a box full of home-movie reels filled with mortifying images of your bare baby butt and that high-and-tight your dad made you get…

Kick Out the Jammies

We’ve unequivocally determined that a higher power does exist. Be it Yahweh, Buddha, Mohammed, Santa Claus, or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the universal deity in charge of throwing all the switches has finally answered our prayers: We’re getting to spend the night with the licentious and libidinous ladies of…

That’s Bond, Jaime Bond

Imagine a James Bond type born in the heart of Mexico City in the ’50s, standing alone in the land of tequila and murder, a man who would eventually become a pompadoured, sharkskin-jacket-wearing Johnny Danger, a spy with the penchant for dodging bullets and saving dames in trouble. This is…

DIY Hard with a Vengeance

We assume the Phoenix Craft Mafia are a friendly bunch, but you may not wanna cross them unless you want some size-15 knitting needles in your pupils or some hand-blown glass shrapnel in the jugular. Meet Phoenix’s newest collective of textile designers, jewelry crafters, and paper makers when the PCM…

Mane Spotting

Cinderella. Great White. Winger. Dokken. Skid Row. Didn’t we stake these bleached-blond bobbleheads in the heart 20 years ago? Well, rock’s generational tendency to recycle itself has reopened the hair-band crypt, and, though most of these girlie-men Nosferati aren’t worth mentioning, Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille is a special case. First…

Fat Tuesday

Travel overseas and ask any foreign bloke what stereotypes strike them the most regarding the ugly American. You may be surprised by the answer. We know from experience that the retort doesn’t concern vomit-colored strip malls or our nasally accents punctuated with a barrage of “likes” and “uhs.” Nor is…

Apocalypse Chow

Ever wonder what saucy Scottish superchef Gordon Ramsay’s really like? You know, when the cameras are off? Can the abusive, F-bomb-dropping, egomaniacal host of Hell’s Kitchen truly be that much of a mean-spirited ass in real life? If there’s one dude in the Valley who would know, it’s Scottsdale’s Brad…

Uh, Huh?

Can Theatre in My Basement voyage even further into the avant-garde performance-art ether? Yep. Just listen to what TIMB’s main man, Chris Danowski, has to say about the troupe’s latest experiment, Coyote Love. “[It’s a] hypersexual performance text making love, war, and shopping into a lovely art for lovely monsters.”…

Bourne (Again)

The Bourne Ultimatum opens in Russia as the amnesiac super-spy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) does what he does best: elude capture, crack skulls, brood. Lickety-split he’s en route to Paris, nursing his wounds and breaking out with a bad case of those itchy-scratchy hallucinations known as Hollywood Flashback Syndrome. Choice…

Romp and Circumstance

Oh, wipe that starchy Masterpiece Theatre moue off your face — pop Jane Austen is fun, especially when it’s almost completely made up. According to Becoming Jane, a new addition to the plentiful Austen spinoff canon, our lady of graceful letters was hot stuff at cricket and kissing and had…

L.A. Story

There are first films like Citizen Kane or Breathless, which, as radically new and fully achieved as they are, unfairly overshadow an entire oeuvre. And then there are first films, perhaps even more radical, which haunt an artist’s career not through precocious virtuosity but because they have an innocence that…

The Robbie Awards

If it’s true that all the world’s a stage, then it’s entirely possible that that world resides in a galaxy made up of phony awards programs, at least in the minds of pretend theater critics who have a deadline to meet and a column to write. Therefore, without further ado,…

Trick Play

The concept behind All-Pro Football 2K8 is simply wonderful: Imagine a fantasy football league where you draft from a pool not of this season’s top players, but of the greatest NFL players of all time: Joe Montana, John Elway, Dick Butkus, Jerry Rice, Marcus Allen, Mike Ditka, and more than…